


Middleman

by QuantumRebel



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen, Karakura-Raizer AU, Let's pretend for five seconds that this could've happened.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 23:17:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4118331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuantumRebel/pseuds/QuantumRebel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That said, nothing was entirely too <em>wrong</em> about being in the middle of a bickering couple.  If it was between Ichigo and Rukia, well, Kon could be as one-sided as he wanted and at most he’d just get kicked around and, for all his cries, it mostly didn’t hurt (too badly).  And because Ichigo had a lot of female friends that were also super tough <em>and</em> super focused, Kon could probably get a panty shot or two if he tried.<br/>However, thinking about it now...<br/>Perhaps it wasn’t a welcome experience in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Middleman

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to the people who follow me on tumblr who witnessed ten posts about Bleach and didn't automatically unfollow me. You guys are awesome.

When it came to fighting couples and being in the middle of it, Kon was probably somewhere high on the leaderboard. Back when Ichigo was still new to the whole “Soul Reaper” business and not the “Saving the World from Poindexter” business he was now monopolizing, it had always been fight after fight after fight between him and Rukia. Or Ichigo and Uryu. Or Ichigo and Tatsuki. Or Ichigo and- you get the point.

That said, nothing was entirely too _wrong_ about being in the middle of a bickering couple. If it was between Ichigo and Rukia, well, Kon could be as one-sided as he wanted and at most he’d just get kicked around and, for all his cries, it mostly didn’t hurt (too badly). And because Ichigo had a lot of female friends that were also super tough _and_ super focused, Kon could probably get a panty shot or two if he tried.

However, thinking about it now...

Perhaps it wasn’t a welcome experience in the first place.

“And I’m telling you **again**!” the blue-haired Arrancar shouted from his spot in the sun. “There’s nothing wrong with killing humans if it’ll force Ichigo out!”

Kon shifted from his spot behind the trees to the side, watching as he should (being on patrol and all). The blue-haired man was yelling at another Arrancar, one only slightly shorter than him and yet half his muscle size, who was firmly standing in the shade and furthermore apparently more interested in a tree that looked like every other tree around it than he was in the blue dude. His skin was as white as his uniform, making Kon think for a moment he had on gloves as well, but when he turned his head he revealed that, yeah, he really _was_ ripped straight from a black and white manga.

Piercing green eyes that seemed to glow slightly spotted the blue Arrancar, who then took a step back. “I’m just sayin’,” Blue’s Clues continued, “we could waste less time out here if we just caused some destruction.”

White Skinned opened his mouth for a moment, before closing it and immediately beginning to speak. “Grimmjow... We’re here to find out what’s killing the Hollows Szayel keeps sending out here.”

Grimmjow(?) gritted his teeth. “And wouldn’t it make sense to propose a challenge!?”

White Skinned blinked, shook his head, and went back to being interested in a tree.

Before the two could figure out he was there, Kon slipped away and decided to pretend that whatever he saw didn’t happen.

 

They were there again. This time in a different part of the park Kon found them last time, by a small body of water that ducks frequented. Apparently a little less successful than a few days ago, but they were there again. Kon almost kept walking in one direction because hey, they knew Ichigo, so they obviously weren’t up to any good. But...

But he was Karakura-Raizer, damn it. He, he needed to do this. Even if “this” was just incredibly dangerous and almost suicidal levels of spying, he needed to **do this**.

“Oooh mmmyyyy **_Goooood_**!” Grimmjow whined as he paced slightly. “Don’t you think we could, you know, _span out!?_ Check a new district?! **BLOW SHIT UP?!?** ”

“The park is peaceful, quiet, and there isn’t any annoying garbage around,” White Skinned said, as if he had been practicing the line in front of the mirror for hours. “If we move anywhere else, a Soul Reaper may find us. Lord Aizen specifically ordered us to not engage in combat unless it was with our target... whoever they may be.” He took one hand out of his pocket, waved it about, and then tucked it away again.

Grimmjow, behind White Skin’s back, had made a mouth with his hand and was adjusting his thumb in time with the other’s words. Kon had to cover his mouth to keep from laughing. When his partner finished, he then spoke up. “Ulquiorra, you’re **dense** if you think standing around will fix things.”

Ulquiorra didn’t justify it with a response, making Grimmjow a little angrier. Turning his back to Ulquiorra, Grimmjow huffed.

“God damn, I hate going out with you.”

Ignoring the ways that sentence could be taken, Kon decided that this was a good time to leave again, because Grimmjow was just near facing in his direction. If they knew Ichigo, they’d kill him.

This time he was actually going to tell Urahara, though.

 

Oh my God, they were there again.

Either Grimmjow gave up trying to be Common Sense Man or Ulquiorra was one of the most strictly disciplined men Kon had ever met. Erm, seen. Heard. Whatever.

Due to the recent Karakura-Raizer activity Kon had been doing with his “friends”, they were now more downtown. There was an empty lot on a street not passed by very often due to better, more forward short cuts. Which, while Ulquiorra obviously seemed to enjoy, Grimmjow...

Well, he was still trying to get his point across and when Kon came across them, Grimmjow had the other’s lapels balled up in his hand.

“I’m **sick** of this peaceful searching shit! I didn’t bow down to Aizen for five seconds just to play kick the can!”

“Orders. **Are**. Orders,” Ulquiorra responded without a change in his facial expression.

“And I refuse to follow them anymore! Right here, right now, we’re doing what _I_ say, got it?!” And yet, rather harmlessly, he just realized Ulquiorra and took a few steps back, attention still on the other. “Christ...”

Kon sighed. Now he really would have to get involved. But just before he stepped out from behind the fence and into the field, hands gripping the gold and black watch that served as his transformation device, Ulquiorra very suddenly said,

“Well, you go on ahead then. Prove to me that your plan could work.”

“Finally!” Grimmjow suddenly snapped, and he pushed himself off the ground and, like a race car, dashed away in one direction.

Once Grimmjow was out of sight, Ulquiorra was quickly behind Kon, hand up and around the collar of his white and red jacket.

“...and yet my plan did,” was covered with just enough smugness to force Kon into sweating. “Far before yours, Grimmjow.”

 

Ulquiorra either believed everything he heard or he only chose this moment to believe in someone for five minutes.

Thankfully when he heard that the man standing before him wasn’t Ichigo Kurosaki (and it was _always_ “Ichigo Kurosaki” when Ulquiorra mentioned him), but instead a copy of Ichigo Kurosaki named Kai (because no way in hell was he going to tell the truth), he shoved his hands into his pocket and slouched slightly, making himself seem shorter than he really was.

...Considering Ulquiorra only came up to Ichigo’s **fucking _neck_** this probably wasn’t a good idea, but, who was Kon going to fight? Not _this_ dude.

“I understand... I suppose,” Ulquiorra said after Kon lied about everything the Karakura-Raizers stood for, including the fact that they were against the dictatorship of the Soul Society and they were actually recruiting Hollows that could stand up to them and killed any that couldn’t. “Your organization sounds... confusing.”

“Is it about the uniforms?” Kon asked. He was standing in the uniform Kisuke gave him and had scared Ulquiorra shitless when the newest addictions, random fireworks that suddenly materialized from oxygen, went off.

“...The uniform is a start. I don’t believe I comprehend why superheroes would dazzle themselves up like you have when most of them are nameless faces that serve as...” Ulquiorra paused, and Kon realized he needed a word.

“News reporters?”

“Yes, those. Thank you.”

“Well, uh... The ‘brilliant scientist’ that kidnapped me and forced me into this,” he said, referring to another lie about being an alien from outer space once bent on taking over the world, “wanted us to wear these uniforms because they actually augment us.”

The lines above Ulquiorra’s eyes that at first looked entirely too much like makeup to be anything more lifted up. Just enough to make him look vaguely surprised. If you asked Kon then, it looked as if it hurt to emote, because rather suddenly it defaulted back to the bored look the Arrancar was always giving. “Really now...”

Kon nodded. “I, I hope that answers your questions.”

“...I have one more. Why Ichigo Kurosaki?”

“Why _not_ Ichigo Kurosaki?”

Ulquiorra then briefly looked as if this had been a concept he never even considered. With a sigh, Kon tried to give a smile.

“S-So, what’s your plan now...?”

Ulquiorra’s upper eyelids lowered (and this was the part Kon realized that he only ever blinked once in this whole conversation) and he said, with an exhale, “Lord Aizen will need to hear about this.”

“...Don’t you think it’s a little unbelievable, though?”

“Kai,” Ulquiorra said very firmly. “Do you know who Lord Aizen is?”

“Kind of. Why?”

There was a heavy silence between the two. Eventually Kon realized what he meant, and he quietly muttered an, “oh, right.”

Ulquiorra barely nodded and looked away, attention distracted by something. “...I believe I need to find Grimmjow now. We will fight another day, if that is what you were curious about.”

With a small wave from Kon and another nod from Ulquiorra, the Arrancar quickly vanished in a Sonído and left the superhero behind.

He’d find out later that Grimmjow got the fight with Ulquiorra he was looking for because he personally didn’t believe the superhero bullshit, going on to state that anyone who ever had such an idea was either batshit insane, high, or lying to cover their asses about not finding anything.

...At least Kon no longer had to play the neutral force, though.

**Author's Note:**

> The fact the Bleach fandom doesn't capitalize the shit out of the Karakura-Raizer idea makes me upset. Like, come on, you have the perfect set-up for friend bullshit, poking fun at the series, something like this, and above all actually really good and stupid fun with superheroes, and yet apparently I'm one of few people in the world who care about it!
> 
> Please leave comments if I should write more about the Karakura-Raizers because they're the only thing I'm absolutely invested in now. Otherwise this is a one in a millennium thing.


End file.
